I’d really like to cross your mind.
Why am I here, if not to make an impression on you, or better yet, to impress you? If you’re just going to forget me, then I’m no different than a chair at a train station. To think that you think of me is what enables me to turn from the abyss where “so what?” echoes. It’s funny for a solipsist to desire the approval of others so desperately.
I think of people sometimes, and I Google them, or I try to find them on facebook or myspace. Do you look for me?
I want to be the best, but I hate practicing, so that’s out. You’ll never be reminded of me by coming across one of my published plays on a library shelf or one of my films as you peruse Netflix. I’m not going to be elected anything important, so that won’t do it.
But I want you to think of me anyway.
I suppose I can’t control why you think of me. Maybe you see an average looking 30-40-something guy with a beard who’s soft in the middle and think “hey, that guy looks like Nate.” That would suck, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. Maybe you’re at a party and some loudmouth jackass acts like he thinks everyone in the room is dying to hear his opinion. That, too, would suck. And I’m not sure that would be better than nothing. I believe I might take nothing, if that were the other option. But no, who am I kidding, I’d take even that.
Here are the things I’d like for you to associate with me:
inner strength
interesting trains of thought
boldness, if not fearlessness
the duality of life
kindness (seriously, I think I’m kind)
a quest for meaning, non-religious
I have always tried to distinguish myself by my choices, rather than my natural talents. My shrink suggested that I love to connect with people but have deliberately made my inner life obtuse and placed complicated locks on the door that leads to it. She thinks that I’m normal but that I’m trying to be weird. Maybe she’s right, though I think that would make me a different kind of weird. Or pathetic.
If you comment on this entry, I will punch you in the face.
Hey, I remember you! You used to leave food on my floor!