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I’d really like to cross your mind.

Why am I here, if not to make an impression on you, or better yet, to impress you? If you’re just going to forget me, then I’m no different than a chair at a train station. To think that you think of me is what enables me to turn from the abyss where “so what?” echoes. It’s funny for a solipsist to desire the approval of others so desperately.

I think of people sometimes, and I Google them, or I try to find them on facebook or myspace. Do you look for me?

I want to be the best, but I hate practicing, so that’s out. You’ll never be reminded of me by coming across one of my published plays on a library shelf or one of my films as you peruse Netflix. I’m not going to be elected anything important, so that won’t do it.

But I want you to think of me anyway.

I suppose I can’t control why you think of me. Maybe you see an average looking 30-40-something guy with a beard who’s soft in the middle and think “hey, that guy looks like Nate.” That would suck, but I suppose it’s better than nothing. Maybe you’re at a party and some loudmouth jackass acts like he thinks everyone in the room is dying to hear his opinion. That, too, would suck. And I’m not sure that would be better than nothing. I believe I might take nothing, if that were the other option. But no, who am I kidding, I’d take even that.

Here are the things I’d like for you to associate with me:
inner strength
interesting trains of thought
boldness, if not fearlessness
the duality of life
kindness (seriously, I think I’m kind)
a quest for meaning, non-religious

I have always tried to distinguish myself by my choices, rather than my natural talents. My shrink suggested that I love to connect with people but have deliberately made my inner life obtuse and placed complicated locks on the door that leads to it. She thinks that I’m normal but that I’m trying to be weird. Maybe she’s right, though I think that would make me a different kind of weird. Or pathetic.

If you comment on this entry, I will punch you in the face.

Our little tough guy, after four months of using her mom’s bladder as a heavy bag, showed up on April 6 at 3:45 pm, with,  of course, a swollen nose. MMA world (and cheatin’ men) watch out!

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She enjoys eating,

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sleeping,

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dreaming about eating

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and making weird faces.

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Here’s my family. Purty as a pitture.

For more Charlotte, keep an eye on CharlotteNathalie.wordpress.com

Here are the lyrics to Bush’s song “Glycerine”:

It must be your skin I’m sinking in
Must be for real ’cause now I can feel
And I didn’t mind, it’s not my kind
It’s not my time to wonder why

Every thing’s gone white and every thing’s gray
Now you’re here, now you’re away
I don’t want this, remember that
I’ll never forget where you’re at

Don’t let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine

I’m never alone, I’m alone all the time
Are you at one or do you lie
We live in a wheel where everyone steals
But when we rise, it’s like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad, you bruise my face
Couldn’t love you more, you got a beautiful taste
Don’t let the days go by
Could have been easier on you

I couldn’t change though I wanted to
Should have been easier by three
Our old friend ‘Fear’ and you and me
Glycerine, Glycerine

Don’t let the days go by, Glycerine
Don’t let the days go by, Glycerine, Glycerine
Glycerine, Glycerine

Bad mood whine again
Bad mood whine again
As she falls around me

I needed you more when we wanted us less
I could not kiss, just regress
It might just be clear, simple and plain
Well, that’s just fine, that’s just one of my names

Don’t let the days go by
Could have been easier on you, you, you
Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine, Glycerine

I love that fucking song. I am not kidding. Those are the lyrics, which might have been written on college ruled loose leaf in a trapper keeper in the back of Mr. Hershey’s class, but God fucking damn it, I love the song. What can I say? I liked the nineties.

Santogold

That’s the 1st piece I propose. Holy crud, the lady’s awesome. She’s all over the place, and she’s right on almost all the time. When she repeats “We think you’re a joke, shove your hope where it don’t shine” I wanna do backflips. Best repeated phrase since “We hope that you choke.” As good as any new thing I’ve heard in a long time.

Album: Santogold

My Favorite Tracks: Shove It, L.E.S. Artistes

Let me know when you’ve soaked it in, and we can discuss it.

Crazy crazy crazy. Stress and anxiety, fear and guilt, happiness and joy, calm and inner peace. Rotating around between and among them, comforting and requiring comfort. Seemingly no rhyme or reason. I expect the worst one moment, then don’t do the bare minimum the next and set myself up for trouble. I’m different than I was, and the same as always. Silliness. Status guo. SNAFU.

Reading a cool book on the brain. Learning lots. More potential connections in the human brain than there are atoms in the universe, babies need to hear language sounds before one to learn them most easily, brain is awesomely plastic. The undiscovered country. Just read Tipping Point, which was excellent. I’m a salesman, I figure. Before that read some of the History of Western Philosophy, but got annoyed by the fact that Plato’s the greatest philosopher ever and he’s a weenie trying to compensate for his insecurities with ridiculous utopian scenarios. I got that at home in my own fridge, why pay restaurant prices for it? I’ll get back to the book, at some point. It’s going nowhere, riding my hip in a holster like all the rest. Bought, for $20, 3000 classics for my phone, on which I do all my reading now. Works by Shakespeare, Shaw, Dostoyevski, Twain, Dickens, Tolstoy, and a bunch of others. 3000 of them, novels and stories and poems and essays. Now I have them close at hand at all times, a whole fuckin library. Pretty damned cool. Before that I read The Drunkard’s Walk, which was a great book about randomness. Learned that the child of two smart parents is usually dumber than the parents and two tall parents shorter, which makes sense when you think about it, as we have no ultra-geniuses or 12-foot people after 10,000 years. Don’t read paper books anymore. No sadness, though it is a waste of space and money, as I’ve bought a bunch of paper books over the last 10 years that I still haven’t read. Want a book?

Lisa bought me Kung Fu Panda and Toy Story, two of my favoritest movies. Brilliant, both.

Playing Magic Online constantly, i love it love it love it. Keeps me thinking and competing, two of my favorite things.

Therapy is stalled, I don’t feel I’m getting much from it.

Haven’t had a drink on almost 7 months, wanna start again but am afraid I’ll overdo it. If I overdo it one more time, I’ll have to stop for good, though I’m pretty sure I can be reasonable.

Job’s a bear, economy’s got everyone scared and snippy. All my coworkers are at the cusp of retirement, or were, anyway.

Got some Bobby Blue Bland, real good stuff, don’t know how I never heard him before. Do yourself a favor.

Gribble rules. So funny and fun. Charlotte will be here in April. She’s not funny yet. Lisa is the greatest, my best friend and favorite person.

Maybe I’m getting there. Maybe. It does feel different now, despite the repetition. Wouldn’t trade it, whatever the case.

Let’s Make a Deal

You don’t want to play Nomic, I get it. I’m hurt, but I’ll move on.

Got a question for you. If you’ve seen this before, please refrain from responding.

 

A contestant on Let’s Make a Deal stands before three doors, of which he must choose one. Behind one is a new car, behind the other two are goats. He chooses a door, at which point Monte opens one of the remaining two doors to show him a goat, and gives him a chance to change his pick. Should he do it? Would it matter?

Here are the rules. Rule 202 should be read first.

101. All players must always abide by all the rules then in effect, in the form in which they are then in effect. The rules in the Initial Set are in effect whenever a game begins. The Initial Set consists of Rules 101-116 (immutable) and 201-213 (mutable).

102. Initially rules in the 100’s are immutable and rules in the 200’s are mutable. Rules subsequently enacted or transmuted (that is, changed from immutable to mutable or vice versa) may be immutable or mutable regardless of their numbers, and rules in the Initial Set may be transmuted regardless of their numbers.

103. A rule-change is any of the following: (1) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of a mutable rule; (2) the enactment, repeal, or amendment of an amendment of a mutable rule; or (3) the transmutation of an immutable rule into a mutable rule or vice versa.

(Note: This definition implies that, at least initially, all new rules are mutable; immutable rules, as long as they are immutable, may not be amended or repealed; mutable rules, as long as they are mutable, may be amended or repealed; any rule of any status may be transmuted; no rule is absolutely immune to change.)

104. All rule-changes proposed in the proper way shall be voted on. They will be adopted if and only if they receive the required number of votes.

105. Every player is an eligible voter. Every eligible voter must participate in every vote on rule-changes.

106. All proposed rule-changes shall be written down before they are voted on. If they are adopted, they shall guide play in the form in which they were voted on.

107. No rule-change may take effect earlier than the moment of the completion of the vote that adopted it, even if its wording explicitly states otherwise. No rule-change may have retroactive application.

108. Each proposed rule-change shall be given a number for reference. The numbers shall begin with 301, and each rule-change proposed in the proper way shall receive the next successive integer, whether or not the proposal is adopted.

If a rule is repealed and reenacted, it receives the number of the proposal to reenact it. If a rule is amended or transmuted, it receives the number of the proposal to amend or transmute it. If an amendment is amended or repealed, the entire rule of which it is a part receives the number of the proposal to amend or repeal the amendment.

109. Rule-changes that transmute immutable rules into mutable rules may be adopted if and only if the vote is unanimous among the eligible voters. Transmutation shall not be implied, but must be stated explicitly in a proposal to take effect.

110. In a conflict between a mutable and an immutable rule, the immutable rule takes precedence and the mutable rule shall be entirely void. For the purposes of this rule a proposal to transmute an immutable rule does not “conflict” with that immutable rule.

111. If a rule-change as proposed is unclear, ambiguous, paradoxical, or destructive of play, or if it arguably consists of two or more rule-changes compounded or is an amendment that makes no difference, or if it is otherwise of questionable value, then the other players may suggest amendments or argue against the proposal before the vote. A reasonable time must be allowed for this debate. The proponent decides the final form in which the proposal is to be voted on and, unless the Judge has been asked to do so, also decides the time to end debate and vote.

112. The state of affairs that constitutes winning may not be altered from achieving n points to any other state of affairs. The magnitude of n and the means of earning points may be changed, and rules that establish a winner when play cannot continue may be enacted and (while they are mutable) be amended or repealed.

113. A player always has the option to forfeit the game rather than continue to play or incur a game penalty. No penalty worse than losing, in the judgment of the player to incur it, may be imposed.

114. There must always be at least one mutable rule. The adoption of rule-changes must never become completely impermissible.

115. Rule-changes that affect rules needed to allow or apply rule-changes are as permissible as other rule-changes. Even rule-changes that amend or repeal their own authority are permissible. No rule-change or type of move is impermissible solely on account of the self-reference or self-application of a rule.

116. Whatever is not prohibited or regulated by a rule is permitted and unregulated, with the sole exception of changing the rules, which is permitted only when a rule or set of rules explicitly or implicitly permits it.

 

Mutable Rules

201. Players shall alternate in clockwise order, taking one whole turn apiece. Turns may not be skipped or passed, and parts of turns may not be omitted. All players begin with zero points.

In mail and computer games, players shall alternate in alphabetical order by surname.

202. One turn consists of two parts in this order: (1) proposing one rule-change and having it voted on, and (2) throwing one die once and adding the number of points on its face to one’s score.

In mail and computer games, instead of throwing a die, players subtract 291 from the ordinal number of their proposal and multiply the result by the fraction of favorable votes it received, rounded to the nearest integer. (This yields a number between 0 and 10 for the first player, with the upper limit increasing by one each turn; more points are awarded for more popular proposals.)

203. A rule-change is adopted if and only if the vote is unanimous among the eligible voters. If this rule is not amended by the end of the second complete circuit of turns, it automatically changes to require only a simple majority.

204. If and when rule-changes can be adopted without unanimity, the players who vote against winning proposals shall receive 10 points each.

205. An adopted rule-change takes full effect at the moment of the completion of the vote that adopted it.

206. When a proposed rule-change is defeated, the player who proposed it loses 10 points.

207. Each player always has exactly one vote.

208. The winner is the first player to achieve 100 (positive) points.

In mail and computer games, the winner is the first player to achieve 200 (positive) points.

209. At no time may there be more than 25 mutable rules.

210. Players may not conspire or consult on the making of future rule-changes unless they are team-mates.

The first paragraph of this rule does not apply to games by mail or computer.

211. If two or more mutable rules conflict with one another, or if two or more immutable rules conflict with one another, then the rule with the lowest ordinal number takes precedence.

If at least one of the rules in conflict explicitly says of itself that it defers to another rule (or type of rule) or takes precedence over another rule (or type of rule), then such provisions shall supersede the numerical method for determining precedence.

If two or more rules claim to take precedence over one another or to defer to one another, then the numerical method again governs.

212. If players disagree about the legality of a move or the interpretation or application of a rule, then the player preceding the one moving is to be the Judge and decide the question. Disagreement for the purposes of this rule may be created by the insistence of any player. This process is called invoking Judgment.

When Judgment has been invoked, the next player may not begin his or her turn without the consent of a majority of the other players.

The Judge’s Judgment may be overruled only by a unanimous vote of the other players taken before the next turn is begun. If a Judge’s Judgment is overruled, then the player preceding the Judge in the playing order becomes the new Judge for the question, and so on, except that no player is to be Judge during his or her own turn or during the turn of a team-mate.

Unless a Judge is overruled, one Judge settles all questions arising from the game until the next turn is begun, including questions as to his or her own legitimacy and jurisdiction as Judge.

New Judges are not bound by the decisions of old Judges. New Judges may, however, settle only those questions on which the players currently disagree and that affect the completion of the turn in which Judgment was invoked. All decisions by Judges shall be in accordance with all the rules then in effect; but when the rules are silent, inconsistent, or unclear on the point at issue, then the Judge shall consider game-custom and the spirit of the game before applying other standards.

213. If the rules are changed so that further play is impossible, or if the legality of a move cannot be determined with finality, or if by the Judge’s best reasoning, not overruled, a move appears equally legal and illegal, then the first player unable to complete a turn is the winner.

This rule takes precedence over every other rule determining the winner.

 

Who’s in? We can play by email.

Metamagi

“This sentence has cabbage six words.”

- David Moser

 

Thanks, Andy

Back to God

Please excuse the sad interlude, still looking for the questing beast. Fewmets and all that.

I read an article in Seed magazine the other day (it’s an awesome publication, you should check it out) about experiments being performed to test the theory of quantum mechanics. The gist, as I understand it (I often feel when I’m reading such things like I’m fighting to keep my nose and lips above the water), is that reality is subjective, that the world exists as billions and billions (for lack of a larger word) of particles in a state of superposition – meaning they exist in all possible states at once. When we observe them, we force them into just one state. One of the amazing principles of quantum theory (again, I’m not a real scientist, so if one’s reading this, please correct me where I’m wrong) is that it doesn’t care about space or time. Two particles collide. Some time later you look at one, and measure its momentum. Quantum theory says that by observing the one particle, you set it in a single state, which is amazing enough – but you also then set the state of the other particle, which you didn’t observe. Regardless of time and distance, the other particle must have momentum X because the one you observed has momentum Y. It’s been tested, as well as we can test it, and it’s proven to be true every time.

Einstein’s problem with the thoery was that it flew in the face of reality as we know it – the moon would stil be there if we didn’t look at it, wouldn’t it? It’s a question of size, according to my understanding – from the article – “Most physicists believe that quantum effects get washed out when there are a large number of particles around. The particles are in constant interaction and their environment serves to “decohere” the quantum world—eliminate superpositions—to create the classical one we observe. Quantum mechanics has within it its own demise, and the process is too rapid to ever see.”

So “reality” only exists because we have poorly tuned optical instruments. If we could see better, if we could see smaller, reality would change. And the article goes even further – exploring the idea that matter and information may be linked more closely than we previously thought.

No reality, only information and interpretation. Many things are a question of perception – the economy, our capabilities, our government. If you think I’m a doctor, then I’m a doctor. If you think you’ve got a good job, you’ve got a good job. But reality itself, physical reality? What does that mean for us, as a species? I’m thinking it’s one more of God’s tricks (not like Loki, more like a video game designer). Many religions have understood this in a different way, recognizing that we have no control over this life and anticipating, given the brutal unfairness of this fact and the fact that we know it’s unfair, an afterlife which has a better set of rules. I don’t draw that conclusion. I think the point is for our species to solve the puzzle. To understand the true link between matter and information will bring us one step closer. I think eventually we’ll solve it, and the trappings of “the real world” will fall away. Space, time, all that will become irrelevant, and what remains will be the divine. Kinda like what happened to Wesley Crusher, maybe.

I’ve wondered about the differences between cultures, how vast they are and how unreconcilable. There are some commonalities through biology – we feel love for our children in order to continue the species, we’re pleased when we’re full of delicious food, etc. Also common is the quest for the divine. Maybe this is just a manifestation of our desire to circumvent death. But I think it’s a common search for real joy, joy that comes from really knowing.

All cultures so far are failed attempts, but only like reading a book is a failed attempt.

A Gift

I’ve reached the exhausted phase of my current downswing. I feel like I’ve had myself against the ropes for long enough, I’m psychically bloodied. No mas, no mas. I want something new.

My quest now, my focus now, in the clarity of this moment, is to break the cycle. To quote Phil Connors, “Anything different is good.” I need to find a way to bear in mind during the good times that bad choices aren’t ok, that I’m not absolved of responsibility because I feel invulnerable at the moment. I know I’ll never live perfectly, but I have to be able to do better than I’ve done.

To live in the moment while bearing the future in mind, that’s the goal. To make good decisions even when bad decisions seem to be a myth perpetuated by the spirit-sucking fearmongers. To make good decisions when, in light of a brutal world, do as thou wilt seems to be the whole of the law. I need to build in defenses against my mood swings. I need a thread of sanity and sensibility to run through my various selves.

I’ve felt this before, and I’m here again, so I’m worried that the cycle is unbreakable. How do I make this still matter when Hyde comes back, as he most certainly will? When Ivan Karamazov comes back. When Dionysus comes back. When Achilles comes back. When Sir Toby Belch comes back.

Any ideas? I’ll take all the help I can get.

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